Mind Over Batter

If I admit to something, will you think any less of me?

Alright… Alright…

I’m going to take my chances… Here it goes…

I’m a bulk shopper…

Allow me to explain…

I own no less than 80 rolls of toilet paper, maybe more – And at last count there’s somewhere in the vicinity of 130 rolls of paper towels in my basement. I buy flour by the 50lb bag (4 different flours), sugar by the 100lb bag and I have no less the 44lbs of chocolate scenting my closets. I won’t mention how much soap I own, or laundry detergent, or deoderant. You get the idea.

Why do I own 80 rolls of toilet paper? Before you say, “this chick is CLEARLY a hoarder”, allow me to further explain…

I hate running out of toilet paper. I hate sitting on the toilet, doin’ my “bidness” and suddenly realizing I have nothing to wipe my butt with. Fair enough, right?

No, wait – I’m not being 100% truthful, here. This is the true reason: I fear the aftermath of a zombie apocalypse.

There, I said it…

Yes – I mean, really – Don’t you share this very same fear? If there’s a zombie apocalypse we’ll be in a state of fear…

FEAR…

Meaning, you’ll need to go to the bathroom a lot…

A LOT…

Because fear does something to the bowels. Not pretty…

I’m not putting myself in that precarious position; catching zombies in the head on my way to the supermarket for a roll of toilet paper?  That’s crazy! I don’t even know HOW to hold a gun. What if there’s a zombie in the checkout counter of my local supermarket? Oh, jeez – I’m no good in these situations. I can’t run, I can’t shoot, I can’t fight – The most I can do is windmill the zombie until its shoulder pops off with a sickening, slimy thud.

Then I’ll scream… And not run… Because I can’t run, remember? I’ll just scream till I pop a blood vessel and the zombie eats my brain.

Now I’ve worked myself up…

*Deep breath*…

So I stock up hardcore, so when that zombie apocalypse happens I won’t need to leave the house. Dammit, I may have to further stock up on canned goods, water, and Twinkies. I’ll let the renegades with AK47’s or sawed off shotguns take care of the zombies. Renegades are bad asses.

Woo…! I just gave you a whole lotta crazy…

And for this very reason I’m going to distract you with these…

Egg yolks…

Not good enough?

How about these…

Maraschino cherries?

These egg whites beaten to stiff peaks?

Oh, all right…

Am I getting close with this batter in giant muffin tins?

Or…

How about this spoonful of cold coconut milk?

Sexy…

I’ve thrown you off; diverted you from my bout of the cray-crays. Redirected your focus to these cupcakes soaked in a three milk mixture.

You see how I did that? There’s rum in these mofos, too. (RUM!) Cupcakes imbibed with 3 milks and a lil’ bit ‘o’ rum… So nice you say it twice…

Twice…

Oh, and let us not forget a coconut whipped cream to top cupcakes clearly big enough for two – Or one …

Whatever…

Sprinkle some toasted coconut, and a cherry on top…

That’s what’s uuuuup!

Cupcakes you clearly have to eat with a spoon. You’re fancy, right? Or eat like a renegade and wipe your hands on your jeans, shotgun ‘tween your legs.

Hardcore, yo.

See? I’m not here to distract you from my insane fear of a zombie apocalypse, my even more insane fear of running out of toilet paper - Or my clear lack of fighting skills with cupcakes.

 Goodness, no… Why would I ever do such a thing?

Love,

Me…

: Tres Leche Cupcakes with Coconut Whipped Cream

Ingredients

For the cakes:

• 7 eggs, separated
• 1 1/3 cup granulated sugar, separated
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 3 tablespoons corn starch
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• Large pinch of salt

For the milks

• 6 oz (1/2 can) evaporated milk
• 11 oz (3/4 can) condensed milk
• 3/4 cup (6oz) heavy cream
• 1 1/2 tablespoons dark rum

Directions:

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Double line 2 large muffin tins and set aside.
2. In an airtight sealed container, combine the evaporated and condensed milk, heavy cream and dark rum and mix together to combine. Cover and refrigerate until ready to use.
3. Combine flour, baking powder, corn starch, cinnamon and salt in a large bowl. Sift once and set aside.
4. In the big bowl of an electric mixer, on medium/high speed beat the egg yolks and 1 cup of the sugar until very pale and fluffy, about 2-3 minutes. Stir in the vanilla extract. Turn the mixer speed to low. Add the flour mixture to the yolk mixture and mix until just combined.
5. Remove the batter from the mixer, transfer it to a medium bowl and set aside while you beat the egg whites. Beat egg whites until foamy, then add the remaining 1/3 cup of sugar and beat egg whites until stiff peaks form.
6. Fold the whites into the yolk and flour mixture, being very careful not to deflate the batter. Fill cupcake liners with batter about ¾ of the way.
7. Bake the cupcakes at 350 Fahrenheit for 20-25 minutes until golden brown, or until a toothpick comes out clean when inserted into the middle of the cupcake. Remove from the oven and allow to cool for a few minutes.
8. With a small knife, cut a small circular hole in each cupcake. You can throw away the tops in the trash, or you can eat them… Your choice. Remove the milk mixture from the refrigerator and proceed to spoon them into your cupcakes.
9. Add about 1 tablespoon at a time of the milk mixture into each cupcake. Allow the cupcake to absorb the milk before you add more. You can add as much or as little as you wish. We Latinos like our cupcakes soaked in milk, but whatever you like is cool. Bear in mind this is a dry cupcake – so don’t be afraid to go heavy on the soaking. Cover and refrigerate cupcakes anywhere from 4 hours to overnight. Make sure cupcakes are tightly covered as these cupcakes absorb fridge odors easily.
10. Remove the cupcakes from refrigerator and frost with coconut whipped cream, recipe follows.

Preparation time: 15 minute(s)

Cooking time: 25 minute(s)

 

: Coconut Whipped Cream

Ingredients: 

• 1/2 cup chilled coconut milk, using mostly portion that has solidified on top
• 1 1/2 cup heavy cream
• 9-10 tablespoons confectioners’ sugar, or to taste
• Tiny dash of vanilla extract
• Toasted coconut flakes (optional)
• Maraschino cherry on top (optional, but cute)

Directions:

1. In the bowl of an electric mixer, combine all the coconut milk and roughly half of the heavy cream. Begin to whip on high speed until the milk and heavy cream begins to thicken. Add the remaining heavy cream and whip until medium peaks form. Add the vanilla extract. Reduce the speed to medium and add the confectioners’ sugar one at a time until stiff peaks form. Chill in the refrigerator until ready to use.

To frost cupcakes:

1. Scoop the coconut whipped cream into a pastry bag fitted with a star tip and frost your cupcakes as desired. Sprinkle with toasted coconut, if using and top with a maraschino cherry.

Preparation time: 5 minute(s)