Dear future 17 year old daughter,
You’re in love…
Oh, I know… No use denying it. I caught you smiling while pouring yourself a bowl of Lucky Charms last night. You gave your cereal this beautiful random smile that made your face just glow. Positively glow. Love has changed you, has made you much more fun to be around. Your teenage angst has diminished and I’ve seen you text so much your fingers are a blur. You’re in love – Don’t deny it. Those hearts and smiley faces aren’t for your best friend Gabby.
You even gave me two random hugs last week – And not because you wanted money to spend at the mall.
You’re in love with a boy…
Does he give you that funny feeling in your tummy?
He does, doesn’t he?
It feels like a plunge from the top of a rollercoaster ride; it’s exhilarating and fast and you just don’t want it to stop.
I know…
I’m going to be honest with you, future teenage daughter. I was dreading this day. It gave me anxiety attacks, and made me yearn for the days of chastity belts and chains. Oh, I knew someday you’d fall in love with a boy. I was just hoping you were 40, 45 when that happened. Watching you in love has given me mixed feelings.
Speaking of which, I wanted to apologize for walking into the living room holding a machete when your boyfriend came to visit the other day. I stared that boy down holding a weapon. That must have scared him.
I know it made you mad. It’s a knee-jerk reaction. My bad… I wasn’t going to hurt him. I was a sort of giving him a subtle warning… You’re my little girl… I was just looking out for you. At least I didn’t chase him with it. I fought that… Give me some credit!
*Sigh*…
Admittedly I took it too far…
Let me make it up to you…
You see, I know things about boys… I was young once too. It’s hard to believe, but before I married your father we used to date.
Let me give you a dating pro tip:
Boys love it when a girl straps on an apron and gets down in the kitchen. It makes them feel special. It could be something as simple as a ham and cheese sandwich. Its all about the effort. Present a boy with something that shows effort, that fills the belly – And he’s yours.
This boy is clearly worth it, so I’m going to hook you up with my recipe for strawberry Oreo cookies. I didn’t mean to hold onto it this long. I was just waiting (ok, dreading) for the right boy to come along.
Impress this boy… With chocolate cookies filled with strawberry frosting. Bring back his childhood. Make him feel all nostalgic and whatnot. Boys also like to be reminded of their mothers.
Don’t ask…
Kick up the frosting flavor with fresh strawberry puree and some fruit powder. Give him cookies that bake in 11 minutes, but look and taste like you slaved for hours.
You know how… I’ve taught you well.
This Valentine’s Day wear a nice dress (not a slutty one, please. I don’t think my heart can take it), your glowing smile and surprise him with these cookies, a glass of milk and a cheesy movie.
He’ll love you for it… He’ll be yours…
Go get him, mama doll…
Happy Love Day…
Love,
Me…
P.S. Please keep the tonsil hockey to a minimum… Don’t make me have to break out the machete.