I don’t know how to drive. I’ve haven’t even bothered to learn. As a result, I get chauffeured around like the rich and famous do, sans the tricked out Bentley.

Before you judge me, this is why I’ve never learned to drive:

A) I live in NYC, and whilst we have a functioning (albeit barely) subway system snaking its way through the veins of this city I figure, why bother? The 4, 5, and 6 trains take me anywhere I need to go.

B) I truly honestly believe driving is one of those things I will be really, really bad at.

Why? Oh, a plethora of reasons.

Starting with:

Road rage… I’ve got passenger rage, known to yell expletives at idiots on the road, who are either too slow, too fast, or are just plain… Ugh!  I’m guessing my rage will exacerbate 10 fold once I become the chick behind the wheel. I was saving my windmill skills for the zombie apocalypse, but driving might just change that.


I believe the car ends at the wheel, never taking into account the windshield, bumper, fender and front wheels… I’m going to get into like a million fender benders, I just know it. Then the road rage will kick in, things might get out of hand, and I might have to test my windmill skillz – Bottom line…  I won’t make it in prison.

They don’t bake good cookies there – Plus I’m used to the creature comforts of freedom, such as Dark and Lovely hair, and a steady variety of outfits and shoes. I will never make it. And what if the warden finds out I bake, and I’m stuck in a Shawshank Redemption situation? These are things I have to make every effort to avoid.

Last but not least…

I have NO sense of direction. NONE! I’m one of those people who should really consider walking around with a GPS and a compass. I get lost walking; I don’t pay attention to signs. I mean, I worked somewhere for 6 months, and couldn’t tell you where anything was situated. In fact, I worked right across the street from a place called New Roc City. I even had lunch with my co-workers there once a week – And when asked if I knew where New Roc City was, I said no. And I swear… I didn’t know! There were signs everywhere; I walked past them every single day.

I’m a menace to society. If I drive, I may end up in one of the plain states – And until I make friends out in Nebraska, I don’t feel it’s safe to end up thousands of miles from home where triple A or the local state troopers will have to guide an extremely hysterical Mrs. M.O.B. home. They don’t make enough tranquilizers for that.

For now, my learner’s permit is only good for the now rapidly dwindling times I get carded.

Do you think I’d fare better with a motorcycle? Ok, not a motorcycle, per say – But a Vespa. Can I join a motorcycle gang with a Vespa? I want to look bad ass. If I ride with a bunch of Harley driving motorcycle gangsters I can look bad ass.


Is it because I’m driving a Vespa, and not a Harley? Vespas can be bad ass. I can be the leader of my own motorcycle gang.


Is it because I have no real sense of direction? I suppose that is a crucial trait when leading a motorcycle gang, huh? A leader needs to guide her gang somewhere other than rural Wisconsin, or in concentric circles.

OK, I can dig it…

Here’s some cream cheese pound cake, which has absolutely nothing to do with Vespas, driving, or looking badass in a motorcycle jacket. Cake is something I’m terribly good at. We have a connection, cake and I. Cake and me… Both of us…

This pound cake has all the things that make life worth living; butter, sugar, flour, eggs. We can build a society around these things. We could… We should. No windshield wipers or dead insect carcasses involved.

This baby’s got cream cheese, orange zest and vanilla bean paste in it. It’s almost, a little bit, kind of like winning the lottery in your mouth. Jackpot!

Have you ever tasted a creamsicle? Well, this is what this pound cake tastes like, except you chew it. You’re chewing a creamsicle. A moist creamsicle – And holy moly is this moist – Moist like a mother******! Peep this crumb…

And I baked it in mini loaf pans… Just because I wanted to give some away, but you can be greedy and use a regular loaf pan. No worries…

I’ll leave you to drool on this, and to thank your lucky stars I’ve decided to hold off hitting the roads as the driver of any vehicle, other than my bicycle for a while longer.

Trust… You’re still safe.



: Orange Cream Cheese Pound Cake

Adapted From: Joy The Baker

  • 2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 1/2 tsp. baking powder
  • 1/2 tsp. salt
  • 1 (8-ounce) package cream cheese, at room temperature
  • 3/4 cup (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, at room temperature
  • 1 1/2 cups granulated sugar
  • 1 ½ heaping teaspoons of orange zest
  • 2 ¼ tsp. vanilla bean paste
  • 1 tablespoon freshly squeezed orange juice
  • 4 large eggs
  1. Place a rack in the center of the oven and preheat to 325 degrees F. Butter three 5×3 mini loaf pans or one 9×5-inch baking pan and dust with flour. Shake the excess flour and set aside.
  2. In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, and salt. Set aside.
  3. In another medium sized bowl, place the granulated sugar and add the orange zest. With the back of a spoon or a fork, work the zest into the granulated sugar. This is going to smell like orange heaven in a bowl. Set aside.
  4. In the bowl of an electric stand mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, cream together butter and cream cheese. Stop the mixer as needed and scrape down the bowl to make sure the butter and cream cheese are evenly incorporated. Add the orange scented sugar to the butter and cream cheese mixture, and beat on medium speed until smooth and creamy, about 3-4 minutes.
  5. Stop the mixer and once again scrape down the sides of the bowl. On medium speed, beat in one egg at a time, beating for about 60 seconds after each addition. Stop the mixer and scrape down the sides of the bowl as necessary. Beat in vanilla bean paste and orange juice.
  6. Reduce the mixer speed to low, and add the dry ingredients all at once. Beat until the dry ingredients are fully incorporated.
  7. Spoon batter into the prepared pans. Bake for 50-60 minutes, or until a skewer or cake tester inserted in the center comes out clean, or with just a few tiny crumbs.

Joy says the cake will last well wrapped up to 4 days. I experienced no such thing. Those loaves were gone the very same day.

    Number of servings (yield): 12


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