This morning I woke up much like any other morning. 5:15 my eyes open and the internal debate begins: Should I exercise today?

“Yes, no?”

“I dunno…”

“But I’m soooo tired!”

“But I’m sooooo FAT”

This battle continues for about 11 minutes; 11 minutes in which I painfully go back and forth between yes, no, and excuses. 15 minutes which concludes when I inadvertently fall back to sleep and dream of Scooby Doo.

Somewhere my subconscious screams: Bitch, you need to make a decision before 5:30.

SOOOO at 5:30 I get my fat ass in gear and work out these jiggles, hating every second of it. I stare daggers at every fit and muscled body on those damn exercise DVDs. I hate how these bitches are fit and NEVER EVER EVER EVER out of breath, while I’m gasping for an oxygen tank. I HATE exercise. I hate every rep, every minute, every second.

Truthfully, I’d rather eat cookies.


Why can’t we just eat cookies and call it a day?

Why is there such emphasis on health and a perfect figure? Why can’t we just accept our flab and eat more cookies? Am I being unreasonable? I’m probably being unreasonable.

I wake up (reluctantly, resentfully) every morning to squeeze in a workout. My mindset: Achieving a healthy, sustainable weight – A weight which doesn’t put me at risk for a heart attack, stroke, or diabetes.

But hot damn – I really want to eat cookies. Humor me. Bake some cookie bars. I’ll remain here, envious as I eat a damn bowl of steamed broccoli and plot Shaun T’s demise.

Onto the cookies – Every great ass cookie starts with sugar and is bound by eggs. All great cookies have butter. An insane amount of butter. Hip expanding, artery clogging butter. These cookies just so happen to have 1 cup of beautifully golden melted butter. The butter is then combined with sugar – Brown and white and the eggs are worked in.

Wanna know a secret?

Come closer…


I add a bit of cocoa powder to all my chocolate chip cookies.  As much as I love those hints of caramel and molasses provided by brown sugar, I like the flavor of chocolate much more. And so I use a trivial amount of cocoa. Not enough to darken your batter, but enough to taste a light hint of it in addition to the molasses in the brown sugar.

It’s Divine… Get it?

Ok, never mind..


Flour is added, chocolate chips are folded, and it all gets added to a pan and spread. This is all baked in the oven for 23 minutes. Why 23 minutes? Because I like leaving my shit under-baked for maximum gooeyness. Trust me on this one. I’m gooey level EXPERT.


Once this pan comes out of the oven you will be faced with three choices:

1 – You wait for it to cool long enough to eat them straight out of the pan.

2 – You will wait for the pan to cool completely before you cut them into bars

3 – You go half and half on it. I’m notorious for #1, but I’ve done all 3.


These bars are completely cool, by the way. And 3 days later they are still gooey and soft. These are a diet/lifestyle breaker, for sure. So you’re faced with a yet another choice. You can either wake your asses up at 5:30 AM, squeeze in workouts, and eat bowls of steamed greens…. Or you can eat cookie bars straight out of the pan.

And dang… I really, really hope you choose the cookies bars.


Chocolate Chip Cookie Bars --
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