Last week as I ascended the subways steps, wind from a departing train blew my red polka dot dress straight up, Marilyn Monroe style. In a panic I tried holding my dress down in the front, when… Well… The back came up and gave the dude behind me a clear view of all my cellulite and granny pantied glory.
It’s not the first time this happens to me. Yes, it’s embarrassing – But I deal. Own it, even. This time, however, the guy behind me tried to help hold my dress down. By then it was too late. He’d already seen. Probably everyone had seen. And you know what – I can own my granny panties – But no one, no one can own cellulite.
You just can’t.
That’s why I was so embarrassed. I’ve lost a few pounds, but my lower body is still the texture of milk chocolate pudding. It’s a serious situation, made worse when your chocolate pudding areas are on full display. Head held high I walked on, though the more I thought about it, the more embarrassed I felt.
And truth be told, I don’t embarrass easily. I think everything is a big joke. Not this. This wasn’t all that funny.
Shit… I mean, I’m not fat – I’m a voluptuous Latina – A Latina who now sports a lower body which again, is the texture of milk chocolate pudding. As I thought of this (all mortified and shit), I made myself a drink. It called for one, homies.
Last weekend I made jalapeño simple syrup ’cause I wanted to experience the taste bud situation made possible by booze and spice.
So I’m telling you right now, if you’re not into spicy situations – This drink ain’t for you. But if you dig spice, flow with me homeslice – We’re about to make a spicy drink happen.
I used jalapeño peppers for this simple syrup since jalapeños are available just about everywhere and are mild on the capsaicin scale. You cut up your jalapeños and add sugar and water, the building blocks for simple syrup. Bring this to a boil and almost immediately take that syrup off the flame. Why? If you get close to the kitchen as the jalapeño simple syrup is boiling, you’re gonna cough your ass off. If you simmer it any longer, who knows what fume situation you’ll encounter?
I don’t want to do that to you. Remove it from the flame once it boils.Anyway, you allow the peppers to steep until the syrup cools completely. It’s much safer that way.
The jalapeño slices get strained. Now you have spicy jalapeño syrup which gets added to a glass. Add lime juice to that, and muddle a couple of lime slices until the limes release that nice fragrant oil of theirs. Add tequila. Yes, tequila. It’s the only way. Mix to combine, add ice and top with seltzer. Or don’t top with seltzer. I like my drinks fizzy.
Simple enough, right?
This cocktail is tart, zesty, and spicy like a motherf*****. I’m being real when I say this is not for everyone. It is, however, for me. It’s spicy enough to make me (almost) forget some random dude saw my unmentionables in all their jiggly jiggler glory. And I needed that. For real, real.
I need to bust out some mega, mega squats. Drink in hand, ’cause it’s gonna be a while till I can live this particular episode down.
Now I wonder if you can turn this into some sort of protein shake situation.
- For the jalapeño simple syrup
- Jalapeño peppers, sliced - 2
- Granulated sugar - 1 1/2 cups
- water - 1 1/2 cups
- For the cocktail
- Jalapeño simple syrup - 2 tablespoons
- Freshly squeezed lime juice - 2 tablespoons
- 1/2 lime sliced in half
- Tequila (I used Avion Reposado) - 1.5 -2 ounces (depends on your tolerance situation)
- Seltzer (optional)
Make the simple syrup:
I an small saucepan, add the jalapeño slices, sugar, and water. Stir to combine and bring to a boil over high heat. Once the mixture has boiled (about 5 minutes or so) and the sugar has dissolved, remove the syrup from the heat. Allow it to cool completely. Strain the jalapeño slices and store in an airtight container until ready to use. Makes about 2 cups of syrup.
Make the cocktail:
To an 8 ounce glass, add the jalapeño simple syrup, lime juice, and lime slices. Muddle until the lime releases its juice and fragrance. Add the tequila and stir to combine. Add ice and top with a seltzer, if desired.
Knock it back. Spicy, isn't it?