Toffee Covered Strawberries

Toffee Covered Strawberries – A little sweet, a little tart. That’s what strawberries dipped in a silky, salted vanilla flavored toffee taste like. Need I say more?

Toffee Covered Strawberries --
*Taps mic*
Gentlemen, can you hear me? *Taps mic* Hey, you there in the back – Can you hear me?
Gentlemen – Your wife’s Mother’s Day is around the corner.
Let me tell you what this DOESN’T mean.
This doesn’t mean you leave Mother’s Day “up to the kids” or tell your wife “Tell the kids to take care of Mother’s Day”. That’s insensitive as fuck, homeslice.
Little known fact, homie: It’s not THEIR responsibility to celebrate your wife’s Mother’s Day. It’s YOURS.
It’s ‘yo job.
Toffee Covered Strawberries --
You have to make it SEEM LIKE it was their idea. But it’s you who is spearheading this initiative.
You buy the cards while your wife isn’t looking.
You plan the Mother’s Day breakfast.
You crack the eggs and mix the pancake batter.
You squeeze the smack out of oranges.
You help the kids place breakfast items carelessly (to make it SEEM like they did all the work) on the breakfast tray.
You clean the kitchen, because after all – It’s HER DAY.
Toffee Covered Strawberries --
Basically, Mother’s Day is YOUR project.
I know, I know – You are on the cusp of saying something stupid like, “Every day is Mother’s Day”.
Don’t do it to yourself. Don’t be a dick.
You know and I know that every day is NOT Mother’s Day. You don’t treat her like every day is Mother’s Day.
You don’t wash or fold several loads of laundry on the regular so she can get some rest.
Toffee Covered Strawberries --
Ordering dinner once in a while or warming up leftovers that SHE COOKED is not taking care of dinner. Not even close.
Walking up to her with the dust pan after she’s all sweaty and smelly from cleaning for two hours is not “helping out”.
And when was the last time you did the dishes?
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So if you plan on using the “Every single day is Mother’s Day” excuse, you be DAMN SURE you’re pulling your weight.
Now flow with me, I’m going to hook you up. ‘Cause that’s the kind of chick I am.
Men, what have I said about women and effort?
Women dig effort. They dig that shit. DIG IT.
It makes us feel appreciated. So appreciated.
Take care of your boo. She’s raising your seed. She ruined her body to carry those precious children who look like you. She’s spent many a night nursing fevers, kissing boo-boos, helping with homework, and making sure those kids are off the pole and off the pipe.
Toffee Covered Strawberries --
She deserves a day. The woman stretched her abdomen to an unrecognizable mass of skin for you.
Treat her right.
Make her these toffee covered strawberries.
These Toffee Covered Strawberries will take about 7 minutes of your time. There’s the potential for 3rd-degree burns. And putting yourself in the face of danger for her gives her the warm and fuzzies. It shows you care.
Don’t worry, you won’t get burned.
Ready to make this toffee situation?
You need sugar and butter and salt and vanilla extract. You caramelize this situation until it’s an amber color. You’ll need a thermometer. You wife has one. If she doesn’t, buy one. Make sure the toffee reaches 285° Fahrenheit. Quickly, dip the strawberries in the toffee. Be careful. Don’t burn yourself.
Toffee Covered Strawberries --
That’s it.
For real. That’s it.
Feed your boo some strawberries. In the middle of the day. Send the kids out to play. Give her a massage. Or a, um… SPECIAL massage.
Treat your woman right, fellas. Don’t slack this Mother’s Day. ‘Cause let’s be honest, you can’t raise those kids on your own.

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